fake plastic words

1:49 AM
Categories: hell, people, quote, sartre, truth. Author: sleepwalker

Happy birthday my dear budak kecik, semi-stranger, and now, imaginary ex-girlfriend.

I remember you once asked me, "Am I strong?". I knew fully well how you were feeling at that time, and the rational thing to do would be to utter words of optimism, of encouragement. Positive cliches, albeit overused, are true. To a certain extent. But sometimes we need to hear the truth. Without rose-tinted glasses, without lacing words with sweet hypnotic perfume. Sometimes we need to know things as it really is. And there will be times that we'll need exactly that.

But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. It really isn't. The truth is difficult. Having to face reality is difficult. Life, being the way it is, is composed of constants and variables. I believe that the "truth", in the most general sense of the word, is a variable. I may have done bad things in the past, I cannot change the truth in that. But because of what I had to endure, I learned that I can change that "truth" today so that I will not repeat the same mistakes tomorrow.

I replied back to you, "You are not strong". Because as of that particular moment, you were not. We all have moments like that. And it is also one of those infinite number of variables in life that we all just have to deal with. Even at the most trying of times, you can change that. When? How? Well, that is all up to you.

It is written that life is fated and predestined, but never forget that God gave us free will for a reason. And it is our duty, whoever we are, whatever our beliefs are, to utilise it to our very best. To search for that constant in life, whatever it may be. In hopes that it will give us something strong, something concrete, a constant truth if you may, to hold on to dear life and enjoy the ride for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in death and in dreams.

You may not be strong today. But isn't it true that we need to be weak to be strong? That we need to learn to walk before we run. That to be able to climb a thousand stairs we need to take that first step. It is only natural to fall and falter every once in awhile. Sometimes we trip over a small boulder, sometimes we fall into bottomless pits of despair and hopelessness. But isn't that just the other half of the yin and yang of life? The other duality. The central idea and concept in life, in Islam. There is the beginning and the end, good and evil, weak and strong, male and female, black and white, life and death.

I've never believed that the other half of life's duality to be something bad nor should we fear it. Darkness is not darkness in itself, rather it is merely an absence of light. It is just a necessary evil. And necessary evils are, of course, a necessity. For a good reason.

Fix your variables. Find your constant. And believe in yourself. Nothing in the world can stop you from finding what you want.

I hope you will one day see the light in yourself. Because believe me, I see it in you.

"Is it true that some of our strength comes from suffering? That suffering hardships makes us stronger? That those of us who have never known a real hardship, and true suffering, cannot have the same strength as others, who have suffered much? And if that is true, does that not mean that your argument is the same thing as saying that we have to be weak to suffer, and we have to suffer to be strong, so we have to be weak to be strong?" - K.

3:55 AM
Categories: birthday, constant, duality, friends, islam, life, truth, variable. Author: sleepwalker

The beauty in life lies in the fact that there are no certainties. There is no absolute truth, no real answers, no definite reasons, no perfect equations. Nothing is for certain. Life is arbitrary and constantly changing, evolving, and spinning in unpredictable cycles. Everything we do can be explained by science and mathematical equations, no doubt. But at the same time they are not definite. It is not final. It is only an estimate. It is only the best possible approximation of perceived truths.

I suppose that's why I find art so intriguing. There is no correct interpretation. There is no true perceptions. There is no final answer. There is always a question. It can always be this, that or it can be nothing at all. And it can be everything at the same time. Art, in the most general sense of the word, is so multi-layered. There is so much texture, movement, meaning, story, questions. There's always a question mark.

That is why art is so beautiful. That is why life is so beautiful. Because we are always left guessing. Always wondering. Why, what, who, when, where.

What is real, what is not.
What is right, what is wrong.
Where are you now.
Where will you be in the future.
Who were you yesterday.
Who are you today, now, at this moment.
Who will you be tomorrow.
Who will you be in the future.

Who am I today, now, at this moment?

I am a pensive wanderer. I am a sinner. I am a fake, a lie, a shadow wearing a mask. I am an overjoyed, confused, meandering self-righteous moonstruck boy. I am a normal person. I am a reader, of random words, of moonsongs, of strangers. I am a writer of complete, utter nonsense. I am a pretentious elitist bastard. I am concerned son. I am a terrible father to my cats. I am a lurker, a stalker, a voyeurist. I am a happy person. I am a sad person. I am a pseudo protagonist in a make believe world.

I am a hollow heart. I am the blood that runs through my veins. I am the vibrating particles in this tired body. I am the fingers typing on this keyboard. I am the amber at the end of my burning ciggarette. I am the smoke that chokes this troubled room.

I am someone. And maybe, just maybe, we'll meet again in another lifetime.

(Don't forget to say hello, because I won't)

4:45 PM
Categories: art, beauty, life, questions, reflection, science, thoughts, truth, uncertainty. Author: sleepwalker