Is This Goodbye?
I've realized now, the long hard painful way, that she's the Sawyer in my imaginary TV series. That sometimes you have to do the wrong thing before you know what's the right thing to do. I've made so many mistakes in the past, so many things that I've regretted. It's only a matter of time that karma will come around, grab me, pull me down, beat every ounce of my sinful fibers, and force me to learn the hard, hard way. But it has always been that way, hasn't it?
I do believe that things happen for a reason, that there is no such thing as a coincidence. I believe that behind every storm, every disaster, every mistake, there's a silver lining. Life has a way of teaching you lessons. And it's funny how life will teach you those lessons again and again, until you'll get it right. When I think about it, sometimes, where is the silver lining behind the "right" lessons? Where is the silver lining behind the "wrong" lessons learnt? Is there really an absolute right or wrong?
It is stated that whatever happens, for better or worse, there's a hikmah hidden in between the lines. I'm not a big believer in fatalism, but sometimes certain events that have transpired in the past had made me think otherwise. Some people cruise through life in a fairly comfortable and secure way. While others, some, go through life in random zig zag, unpredictable, and in a fashionably catastrophic manner.
I really do wonder. Can some mistakes ever be undone? Can it ever be reversed? Can we ever start over, amend things, make things better? Can we ever put a band-aid over it and move on? Or maybe, some people are just fated to go through life the hard way. For reasons perhaps we will never truly understand. Sometimes I do see a bright future ahead of me, doing the things I love, the things I've always dreamt of doing, having my family close with me, and all the people I love around me.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I envision my future to be the complete opposite of that. That perhaps I'm doomed for an eternity of difficulties, pain and merciless sorrow. Not to sound like Dostoevsky extracting paragraphs from Notes from the Underground, but, it really is not as bleak as it sounds. This is not self-pity, nor it is a complete surrender to pessimism.
This is reality. No matter how hard we try, we don't always get what we want. I'm bracing myself for more "karmic" moments that sooner or later I'll have to pay for. I've climbed out of my fair share of rock bottoms. But I've a feeling there's one more, just one more, that will be the toughest that I'll ever have to go through.
Til then, I'll just take one day at a time.
Just one day at a time.
One day at a time.
