Takkan lagi aku menunggu
Kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku
Puasku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti mereka yang punya cinta
Diriku tanpa dirimu kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
Diriku mahu kau tahu
Pedih ini kau tak terasa
Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti yang aku kenali dulu
Setiaku menantikan dirimu
Seperti setianya terhadap diriku
Tapiku melepaskan mu
Melangkah namun tak berdaya
Terusku terus menunggu
Cinta yang takkan pernah ada...


"On the night of the Lailatulqadar, the Archangel Gabriel leads a group of angels and sweeps down the Earth. They would scour the lands and whisper prayers to every living Muslim brothers and sisters. The Archangel Gabriel has 100 wings, but two of which he only opens once every year during the Holy Night. And on the Holy Night of the Lailatulqadar, the angel Gabriel would spread his two sacred wings so wide that it covers the Earth from East to West."

The taklim Subuh was read in Bahasa, of course. It was difficult trying to remember what was said on that early morning. I can only vaguely remember the story. The sun was rising, the air was cold, quiet, calm. Everyone was half asleep, including me. I can't recall from which Hadith was the story taken from. But I do remember that it is one of the very few that really struck and stuck with me.

Buka Puasa BBQ at Lepaq Cafe

It's not always that you can have an all-you-can-eat buka puasa BBQ buffet while listening to live music, no? Well, if you have RM20+ (that's only like 2 RM10 prepaid topups) and a bit of time to spare before packing off to balik kampung, do drop by Lepaq Cafe at Desa Hartamas this coming Saturday on the 27th September from 6.30pm to 10.30pm!

(for a sneak preview of how the place looks and feels like, click here.)

There will be acoustic performances by Radzlan, Arabella, Hanis & Friends, Voce (acapella), Miss Daya, Chot Ali and the Bandbin (formerly of Bau, must see!) and Captain G. And special guest performances by Ray CheongRendra Zawawi and many more! Plus, the event will be covered by TV3's Remaja and sponsored by Don't Panic Malaysia! For those who have RSVP-ed confirmed there will be door gifts waiting for you on that day.

For you Facebookers, do check out the event page at Jom Berbuka & berBBQ @ Lepaq Cafe. If you don't have a Facebook account, contact Zara (016-2366617/017-3024840) or Atraz (019-3136915). Come on come all! Bring your friends, family, pets, anybody and everybody!

p/s: here is Ray Cheong playing John Mayer's Gravity, a must see, enjoy!

Mrs and Mrs Ronson

They look like the happiest, most unlikely match I've ever seen. This is one thing I love about celebrity gossips; the norms they live by in Hollywood seems so otherworldly and flat out insane to the rest of us. This might just be one of the few news these days that really caught my attention. Mrs Mean Girls with a female DJ. Bisexual scandal? I can accept that. But marriage? Hot damn.

There's hardly any faith in celebrity marriages to actually last. That goes without saying. But I think that "norm" in tempestuous and often fleeting celebrity marriages is becoming a norm among regular Joes like the rest of us. With divorce rates getting ever so higher each year, it does seem like a worrying trend. Maybe going gay is the way. Is it that hard to find love these days?

I sure hope it's an obsolete truth, not an absolute one.

Remember Remember the 16th of September

Surely I'm not the only one anxiously waiting for 16th September. Or 20th September for that matter. Or am I?

Since Dato Seri Anwar Ibrahim returned to politics, I must say, things have been rather... entertaining. In the most scariest way possible. It begun, I believe, from the BERSIH rally last year. Then came the HINDRAF rally. We all know what happened on both days. Peaceful protesters armed with nothing more than a yellow t-shirt, banners and their voices met with police with full riot gear, tear gas and chemical laced water cannons. Both by which were covered extensively by local and foreign media. Attracting attention from prominent international medias like CNN, BBC, and Al-Jazeera to name a few.

The next milestone, and a milestone it was, happened on 8th March 2008. Fastforward to a few decades, you might flip Utusan Malaysia one day and find a short write up on that day under the column of Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah. Since the historic year of 1969, Barisan Nasional has never conceded it's 2/3 majority votes. The Opposition parties managed to capture over 37% of the majority votes, which translates to capturing 82 out of 222 parliamentary seats. To add salt on a bad enough wound, 5 out of 31 states was won over by the Opposition parties. It was, for lack of a better word, unprecedented.

To say Barisan Nasional faired terribly would be an extreme understatement. In the previous 2004 election, Pak Lah headed UMNO (who we all know to be the de facto ruler of Barisan Nasional thus the de facto ruler of the country) together with MCA, MIC, DAP, Gerakan, PPP, PBB, LDP and other parties from Sabah and Sarawak, and literally bulldozed through the elections to win a historic popular votes of over 90%. They won over 64% of majority votes by securing 198 out of 219 parliamentary seats.

When you compare both results from 2004 and 2008, it is even more evident how huge of a gap it really is. In that span of 4 years, Pak Lah and Barisan Nasional as a whole somehow managed to piss off the rakyat well enough to lose over 58 seats, 400,000 popular votes, 5 states and decreased the popular votes percentage from 90% to a mere 50.4%. So, can things get any worse than that? Well, of course it can. And of course it did.

On the 25th of May 2008, Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Datuk Shahrir Ahmad announced that there will not be any fuel price hike. Twenty million sighs of relief. About one week after that, Datuk Shahrir Ahmad then said that they government plans to raise the price of fuel in August. Twenty million cusses and swears and collective shouts of "Macam sial!" and "Haram jadah!" and "Tiu!" and "Punani!" and, well, you get the picture. And then comes my favourite part. On the very next day, our beloved Prime Minister Dato Seri Abdullah Badawi cooly announces that the price of petrol will be increased to RM2.70 per litre as of midnight. Tadaa! Complete pandemonium.

With the price of oil rising, pardon me, skyrocketing, all prices of consumer goods took a turn for the worse. In such a short period of time, the overall cost of living shot up like never before. The construction industry was hit worst when the price of concerete and steel went over the roof, with the price of steel increased to over 100%. In addition, the government announced that electricity tariffs will be revised on the 1st of July. It was probably a typo on their part because they meant to say "rised" not "revised".

People started to protest, through the web and on the streets, albeit in small numbers (there were also protesters protesting against protesting during that time, which I found amusing to no end). The reverberation can be heard through mamak stalls to cubicles to classrooms and to sidewalks. As a response, the government agreed to a debate on July 15th between Dato' Shabery Cheek and Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim over the current oil price increase issue. Millions of people saw the live debate and we can all objectively judge that, with all due respect, Dato' Shabery Cheek got served by Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim. So, that didn't pan out too well for the government.

And then Raja Petra wrote an article on Malaysia Today claiming that the Deputy Prime Minister Dato' Seri Najib Razak was involved with the murder of Altantuya. And then Raja Petra got arrested, for the gazillioth time. And then Dato' Seri Najib went to Masjid Jamek to swear that he has never met nor had anything to do with Altantatuya. And then came the sodomy case against Dato' Seri Anwar. And then he went to the Turkish Embassy to sought shelter and protection. And then he said otherwise, "Oh it was only a friendly visit,". And then came the whole DNA fiasco, the police asking for it but he refused to give any sample for fear that it might be tampered with. And then Pak Lah said the DNA they obtained from him during the 1998 trial expired (well I wonder how DNA from dinosaurs who died hundreds of thousands of years ago manages to be extracted). And then Saiful Bukhari Azlan went to the mosque to swear that he really did got fudgepacked. And then later that same imam who conducted his swearing made a public statement that such swearing is not legal in Islam and that he had in fact been forced by his superiors to do it.

By that time, I burnt all my newspapers and ran to the toilet and profusely vomitted blood from over consumption of all those nauseating nonsense politics smeared all over the news. And I can't even begin talking about independent online news and amatuer political scientist wannabe blogs. It was all getting a tad bit too entertaining for me. But of course, I'm a sucker for sensational stories and followed on anyway. Nauseating, vomitting blood and all.

There were too much crap going on at that time with too many different parties going berserk, pointing fingers and shifting blame to different sides that I'm not going to bother much on the insane amount of conflicting details in between.

The most recent case involving Dato' Ahmad Ismail making racist statements, I believe, is one of the main highlights in today's local political circus. I find his actions too abhorrent to call him Dato', so I'm just going to call him Ahmad. His apparent arrogance and refusal to use any measure of common sense speaks volumes of his character. What he did was callous, irresponsible, extremely disrespectful, and downright stupid. In fact, his statements was so stupid that I can bet my pants that Dato' Seri Anwar threw him a bag of cash to say what he said. The only defense he can possibly use can be found in the claim that whatever that was said was mentioned in the context of history. Well, even that is hardly any defense because clearly he got his historical facts wrong.

Even if he really was quoting history, what is he trying to say? Is it because the fact that your great-great-great-grandparents were immigrants makes you an immigrant too, thus rendering you less special than the oh-so-special Malays? Despite the fact that you arrived in Malaysia through the womb of your mother in a local hospital, say Hospital Assunta in Petaling Jaya, and your birth certificate says you are a Malaysian citizen. Despite the fact that during pre-Merdeka days many other non-Malays also fought for independence and contributed to the well-being of our country. Despite the fact that Chinese people make up to over 30% of the population but commands over 60% of the country's economic chart. Or maybe he was just trying to tell your dead great-great-great-grandparents to get out of Malaysia? Or maybe he was telling everyone including himself to get out of the country? Because according to historical and anthropological facts, our ancestors were all immigrants.

Is he deliberately trying to incite racial conflicts and consequently spark another May 13? His actions at a time like this, all the more with showcause letters thrown to The Sun, Sin Chew Daily and Suara Keadilan and arrests under ISA of Raja Petra, Teresa Kok and the Sin Chew Reporter Tan Hoong Cheng really does cast an eeriely familiar image to Operasi Lalang. After deeply insulting and pissing off over 8 million Chinese people, who most of which have stopped supporting Barisan Nasional and reverted to the other side (as the recent 2008 General Elections did prove), wouldn't this be the time to cool the waters and do everything possible to repair the damage done? Wouldn't arresting an extremely famous and influential blogger (who have loyal followers from all races, with a sizable chunk of Chinese supporters), a popular Chinese MP, and a Chinese reporter from a Chinese daily, would ultimately piss them (and not to mention countless other people from various races as well) to no end a million times more? It could only be either stupidity at its supreme best or a political ploy. I vote the latter.

So, could Ahmad's inflammatory statements, showcause letters and detentions under ISA be small embers that the government is fanning, with hopes that it will invariably fire up racial clashes? If you remember, recently there was a statement released by the head of police that they will take action against those that will threaten the stability of the country. Well, if that ever happens, Pak Lah could easily declare a state of emergency, deploy the troops and stop Sept 16/20th to ever happen, and in doing so seize complete control over the country. For one that will be diverting attention away from all the recent political fiasco and take the limelight away from Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim. Also, how else do you take control over millions of people who oppose you? You don't use mere words, you use guns. And naturally the political rhetorics, false promises and brainwashing would come later. History, tragically at times, does repeat itself. If the worse does happen this time, let it be without blood.

And what about the 40 MPs who got sent to Taiwan literally days before 16th September to study agriculture? Isn't it such a convinient time? Why now instead of last month or rather last year? Interestingly enough, the number of MPs who got sent there almost equals the number of MPs that Dato' Seri Anwar said will cross over to Pakatan Rakyat come 16th September. At the same time, 4 representatives from Pakatan Rakyat was also sent there to study agriculture. Oh I'm sorry, I meant to say "study", not study. The best part is both parties from the Barisan Nasional and Pakatan Rakyat are staying at the same hotel. The timing of it all, and the surface facts, doesn't it all smell a little too fishy? Even Homer Simpson can sniff it from a mile away.

In between all that, we hear news that Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yasin, Tengku Razaleigh, Tan Sri Sanusi Junid, and a few others had a private meeting with Tun Mahathir to persuade the former prime minister to return to UMNO. They are hoping that Tun Mahathir's voice would be heard, to revive UMNO, unite the Malays, and persuade Pak Lah to step down. There is also talks that Tun Mahathir will be supporting Tengku Razaleigh who is planning to contest the UMNO Presidency seat soon. There is also news that Dato' Mukhriz Mahathir will be contesting the seat for UMNO Youth Leader. Tan Sri Muhyiddin has already pissed off Pak Lah by saying that he should rethink the much discussed 2010 leadership change plans. Not to mention numerous other UMNO members from the grassroots level to way up in the Cabinet calling for Pak Lah's resignation. With so much internal conflicts within UMNO, it's all too obvious that things in UMNO are really shaking up. This might just be UMNO, and Barisan Nasional's, weakest and most unstable time ever in history.

Everything that have transpired since BERSIH rally to today and taking it all into consideration, I don't blame Dato' Seri Anwar for rushing to snatch the prime minister seat. This is the best time for him to do so. Not that I support his cause in any way, by the way. It is all too obvious that he is power crazy, that he is doing everything and anything it takes to become the next Prime Minister. If not, why the rush? Why not settle in, do some good, prove yourself, show concrete results, and then contest for the next General Elections? Political talk and rhetorics can only last for so long. He has a tendency to talk differently on different matters of different political ideologies with different races of people who have different political inclination. If you want to refute that claim, talk to those who has attended all of his campaign talks. Better yet, those who has seen him talk at 3-4 various locations in a single day. If you can't find one, go and get his talks on CD or DVD. There's more than enough proof there. That in itself screams of hypocrisy and manipulation.

Not to mention when he boldly claimed that over 40 MPs have signed papers and agreed to crossover. You don't need to be a genius to see the word "bribery" stamped all over it. Everyone knows all too well how corrupted this country is, from the private sector to the government. And we all know that the most corrupted of all is in the arena of politics. It would not make any sense for a politician to make such a drastic move without being given any substantial monetary gains. Think about it. Even someone as charming and manipulative as Dato' Seri Anwar cannot in any way persuade those MPs to cross over by just moving his lips. His overseas bank accounts has to also move. Now, in today's day and age, in a country called Malaysia that is rife with corruption, how else do you convince 40 politicians to betray their own party and join an opposition party without a single cent involved? Well, say, RM50 million each to jump ship? In the end of the day, everyone has a price. And the scariest thing about corruption is that it works so well.

That's kacang putih for Dato' Seri Anwar, since over RM3 billion just recently came in from the United States from several private parties to fund his political goals. Not to mention billions of dollars of his own money, most of which are placed in offshore accounts. That piece of 3 billion dollar news is of no surprise seeing how close he has always been to the United States. He gets headline news like no other Malaysian politician. He has been interviewed, given talks and speeches, countless more times than any other local politician. Even his Permatang Pauh victory was a headline feature on CNN, as well as few other major international medias. Better yet, you can even skip all that and look at his close ties to Paul Wolfowitz. His name is synonymous with IMF, Neoconservatism, George Bush, War on Iraq, and Israel. So, go figure.

Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim is most definitely not the "cleanest" man nor politician for that matter. Since his days as Minister of Finance, he has managed to cash in billions worth of projects for himself and his cronies. There are lots of facts to this claim, if only you'd look closer. For starters, take a closer look at Agro Bank. And do I even need to begin talking about the 1998 currency crisis and how he supported IMF and tried persuading Tun Mahathir to borrow money from them to solve the country's woes? You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.

There's a lot of boring economic facts in it which I couldn't be bothered to get into (just Google it you lazy mofo). Just look on the surface, even if you happen to be a bit daft, just look at our neighbouring countries who accepted IMF and look at those who did not and just fended off on their own in their own ways. Though of course to be objective you need a closer look at their economic strength and financial reserves. But trust me, you'll arrive at the same conclusion. That, yes, IMF would've been a catastrophic idea. And there you had Dato' Seri Anwar who happens to be the Finance Minister who happens to be close friends to the United States who happens to be the one running the show for IMF. Suspicious much?

There's a lot more that I can say about him and Parti Keadilan Rakyat. But it's already time for sahur and I should be getting to bed soon. So I'll save this political bashings for next time then. If you notice, I'm hardly biased and I don't believe in discrimination. I don't just bash one side, dua-dua pun aku hentam. What does Shakira's hips and truth have in common? Jeng jeng jeng. They both don't lie.

To be continued later at a not-so-ungodly time.

Disclaimer: I am a supporter of no other party other than my own. In my room, a disco ball, some Electrohouse, a pole and you. E-mail me, baby.

Of Late Morning Conversations on Love and Insanity

We were talking about love and relationships in general. She was telling me of her dilemmas, and I was complaining of my current laments. In between all that, I wondered to myself, why is it that I always tend to gravitate towards eccentric and seemingly insane characters. People who clearly have monumental flaws, the kind that most would usually, understandably avoid. My realm of attraction towards oddities doesn't just end at people but extends to all things inanimate. Be it music, books, films. Anything at all.

So I asked her, "What's your take on it?". And she said,

"i guess i like grit. maybe it's because i'm an aggressive person... or that i'm afraid of gentility because it makes me nervous and vulnerable. people can say the right things and then not mean them... but when you're bad, who tries to be bad on purpose? that's when they're real. that's what you have to overcome about a person, their flaws. i guess i like knowing what i'm up against. i like challenges. because i'm used to seeing the good in people, liking them for it... if you can stand a person, be attracted to them when they're flawed then you have little to worry about. the good things about them are good already".

I've had some of the most compelling conversations with her. And this might just be one of those moments that I'll always, always remember. Or at the very least try the hardest to remember. What she said was spot on. Her explanation over that seemingly complex topic was profoundly simple. I liked hearing it, in part, because I too believe the same.

I have always believed that you can never truly and unconditionally love someone until they have hurt you. You will never know someone if you haven't witnessed them in their worst element. You will never be truly happy if you have never sunk to the lowest depths. Emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually.

Just as Nietzsche said, "There is some madness in love, but there is some reason in madness".

Burn the Blue Eyes

How could such a simple song played by two girls with just a harp, a kazoo and a children's toy sound so effortlessly amazing. The words are barely comprehensible. The lyrics are absolutely bizarre. The music screams of melancholy. Their almost-falsetto, raspy voice weave such carefree yet superbly serene Daedalian sounds.

When you throw all of those eclectic mixture of seemingly unconventional nonsensical elements together...

How could it not leave you completely dumbstruck with unutterable emotions.
How could it not stir whirlpools of blood, rushing through your tired veins.
How could it not raise your hair like thorns on a rose.
How could it not silent your inner turmoils.
How could it not titillate your fragile spine.
How could it not move you to paradise,
even for a fleeting moment.

How could it not tie your heartstrings together in such convoluted beauty,
in the most captivating manner possible.


Isn't it odd that someone could feel so much pain and anguish over something so profoundly beautiful. That he would listen to the very song that would literally choke him with invisible tears. His heart cries blood, imagining what might have been, what have transpired, and the frightening thought of an uncertain future.

With trembling fingers, he types these all too familiar words of misery. Trying so hard to let out those trapped emotions onto this superficial public space for the world to witness, with hopes that expressing in complete honest nakedness that these cries could somehow miraculously silent his dysphoria. He tries, and tries, and tries, to find solace in this song that inflames bittersweet memories of her. The lovely melody of the harp, those almost-falsetto raspy voice, plays on repeat for what seems like an eternity.

And eternity it is, because in life some wounds just refuse to heal. Our tangible skin would wither away to ashes, but the intangible pain remains. Completely defiant against time, it remains. As it is yesterday, as it is now, as it is tomorrow, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

With trembling fingers, he types these ever so familiar words of misery. Because misery is a butterfly. He tries, so hard, to convince himself that within this wretched cocoon that something better might blossom in time to come. It's dreary outside, but come tomorrow the sun will slowly but surely chase away the darkness. Maybe it will be a pleasant morning, with a slight cool drizzle of sweet acid rain, and maybe after which a rainbow might appear and colour the sky pastel.

With trembling fingers, he types these foolish words, and tries to not black out again and in process burn the cigarette on his fingers, yet again. We do foolish things in the name of love. But we do even more stupendously foolish nonsense in the name of sorrow. Being stupid for the sake of being stupid is stupid enough. But being stupid because of someone else would render the word 'stupid' completely inane, because a word for such profound stupidity doesn't even exist in the dictionary.

With trembling fingers, he types, "I am such a fool".

Shoot Shoot Bang Bang

Your silence has spoken volumes.
Your inaction has pushed me near the edge.
Your absence has left a crease on the pillow from the night before,
the night that you never came at all.

There is no need for you to pull the trigger. I know how it helps you that the cold steel is resting on my temple, instead of yours. You are merely shifting the blame, irregardless of what you have and have not done. There could be a thousand and one reasons; pride, fear, self-righteousness, ignorance, confusion. But, in the end of the day, none of it really matters.

There is no need for blood, sweat and tears to be spilled. I have already been hanging from this noose, far longer than you know. From far before you would even realise that maybe you do care, and maybe you should do something about it. From far before you would even flinch the slightest bit, to break this silence. To pull me away from this ledge.

You should've come over, because it's not too late.

(But then again, even if you do give a flying fuck, when will it be too late?)

Muted Memories

There were too many ridiculous incidences, too many insane scenarios, too many people involved, and far too much conflicting emotions. It was a rather stupendously memorable night, for better and worse. I wish I could talk about last night. But it's almost impossible to write about something that I cannot entirely comprehend.

"As we float from the shore
Into the light
Into the unknown
Like thousands of lanterns
Glowing with grace
In glorious silence
Descending through space